Giants Midnight Replay

There Will Be Blood

I tried…. I tried REALLY hard to save the Zito stache phenomenon until I could do a “This Week In Giants Facial Hair” post…. But it’s not possible, it was on full display tonight. This shapely “Nose Mullet” is THE nicest I have seen on a pitching mound since Clay Zavada. Can you attribute Zito’s future dominance to his new “Tom Selleck”? That would be a resounding YES! Is it a major reason why the Giants won 4 to 1 tonight? YES!

Zito I am your eternal fan if you keep the stache! I take back all the bad things I said about you. I will forget the fact that your an emotional wreck with a philosophical attachment to surfboards and other self-absorbed-beach culture douchiness.

Keep the “Plainview” Barry, if you know what is good for you. 

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The Kafka Tamura Award (Hero) goes to: 

Pablo Sandoval for the 38 lbs lighter defensive show he put on in the 4th inning. Pablo also got the first RBI of the night.

The Johnnie Walker Award (Villain) goes to: 

Gio Gonzalez, cause you gotta recognize greatness! This guy is a beast straight up! I would not be surprised if he wins a Cy Young at some point soon.

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The Omar Vizquel award goes to:  

Pat Burrell, There isn’t many times where I can give the award to him. So I gotta do it when I can. Nice Catch Burrell, nice catch. 

The Velez Award goes to:

Andy LaRoche was having a bad day all around. He had a wide throw to first base on a double play chance, and also this bungled ball. 

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Extra goodness. 

OMG these guys are insane homers! I am so happy to have our broadcasters, every time something doesn’t go their way its “NOOOOO” from the fucking peanut gallery. 

Hey look…  smiles!

Coco smiles!

Exhibition game smiles!

Game face bitches!

Zito was about 11 inches away from giving up his 1 run lead early.

Holy crap, DeRosa has a HUGE backside! Just sayin…… just sayin…

DeRosa’s big ass is slowing him down on this foul pop-up.

As much as I hate Panda hats, imagine if this was your only hat choice. Actually imagine if that was your job, making like 2,000 ballon hats. 

Don’t forget the little guy’s contribution an RBI double in the 7th. Fontenot is another player that is better than Rowand

A missed sign gets Andy Laroche into a “Fun”-down in the 5th.

I swear if Schierholtz loses his job and Rowand keeps his I will be pretty irrate. Two batters after Rowand waved frantically at a high pitch Nate blasts this one deep into center field.

Tomorrow I will post my season “Preview”.

This Week in Giants Facial Hair. (#2)

In a tragic turn of events, Tim Lincecum shaved his mouse-stache. 

It looks like Jeremy Affeldt is still sporting the terrible soul patch which will probably negatively affect his pitching.

Brian Wilson recently said that he was not promising to keep the beard all season. Which I think bodes well for my mustache prediction. Until then it seems that the beard is dominating. 

Our newest addition Jeff Suppan seems to be bringing a Circle Beard/Van Dyke/Goatee ya.. I’ve heard it call all three. But one thing is sure, it kinda looks bad. If you are growing facial hair, either go all the way to go mustache, just saying guys. 

uuuuuuuuuuugh, I LOVE this time of year, and I HATE it. Nothing to really write about, nothing to really talk about. Just a bunch of people talking about a bunch of stuff that isn’t baseball. 

Until next time…… grow a mustache. 

This Week in Giants Facial Hair.

Well Fan Fest happened. Out here in Brooklyn I am still slipping on snow when I go running. But It was like this last year so I’m not worrying. Spring is peeking through with three consecutive days with the temp over 40 degrees which is practically a holiday over here. Women strut around in tights and low cut tops and guys walk around in only two layers trying to show-up the weather gods before they usher another month of snow in to cover our false spring. 

With the dependable, yet questionable practice of counting down to pitchers and catchers starts. We have to rely on our creativity to write posts that will not bore. So without further ado…. let’s have our first installment of what will hopefully become a years worth of posts about Facial Hair Growth on the San Francisco Giants. 

Top Three Facial Hair Moves and Transactions. 

#1. Lincecum Mustache.

In a stunning turn of events Tim Lincecum has decided to throw his hat in the ring for most pubescent looking mustache in the Majors. I highly applaude this move since I am a major proponent of Mustaches over beards. Lincecum looked pretty dapper in a short interview the day before Fan Fest and would not look out of place in a Brooklyn bar. 

Personally I am hoping that Timmy can get a John Waters stache going. 

#2. Sergio Romo and Brian Wilson have kept their beards. 

Let it be known that Brian Wilson WILL be rocking a mustache at some point in his career, it’s just the next logical move. Not to say that his beard is not manly, it does it’s job well, hiding the fact that he still only has 2 jokes in his joke barn.

Sorry about stealing this twitpic… thanks to who it was… I forgot. 

But we love him and his beard, and the fact that he and Sergio have wintered their beards makes me happy. I’m trying to think what is more distracting….. a guy throwing a ball at me at 90+ mph with a black pirate beard or a guy wearing orange shoes……. ya… STFU league. 

#3. Madison Bumgarner tames his hick beard. 

From this…….

To this…….

Not much of a difference. But with a lack of other facial hair alteration…. I gotta go with this as #3. 

As rules of this blog have it, I must give equal time to the patron saint of future Giants facial hair and all around inspiration to this blog with his (former) flaming red mustache…. Jason Stoffel…. Here is an interview with him. 

Stoffel seems to not be taking his career as a mustached closer seriously enough. Come on Jason!!!!! There are enough chin growths in major league bullpens! We need more lip sweaters, it’s the only way you are gonna make it. Let’s try THIS look again. 

Future Facial Hair-olator. 

I think our best bet for a good old-timey mustache is Madison Bumgarner. Only a guy who deals in livestock and lives in the tiny town of Lenoir, NC could rock a true mustache. 

Side note…. while looking up Bumgarner’s hometown I found that another Bumgarner came from that same home town…. Justin Bumgarner…. Who is a MMA Fighter, (bottom of the page) I wonder if they are related?

INCOMING!!!! Free Agents and Others.

1. Miguel Tejada

Hey Tejada! how many home runs do you think you can hit this year?

…hmmmm ya… I would say more like 9,…. 

Listen I am not allowed to like you, unless you pull off some crazy Aubrey Huff move and impress me to the point of changing my mind. To me you are just another plastic horse on the vetren marry-go-round that has been running for years now. Last year it worked, I was impressed and very happy, but let’s face it. You are no Juan Uribe. What I’m saying is… it’s gonna take a lot to get me to like you. But please try. 

2. Jeff Suppan. 

Jeff ohhhh jeff, You get minus 100 points for falling victim to the douchy shirt desease that is rampaging through major league baseball, but then you get them all back for taking your picture with the one of my favorite Star Trek TNG characters. 

What can I say about this pitcher that I didn’t already say about last years model. 

Welcome to the shadows buddy. 

NRI (non roster invitees) 

There are two that I am excited about. Besides the Belts and the Crawford who we all know need to start doing well and impressing in spring training, there are a few who have interesting stories or are just weird that I am rooting for. 

1. Jason Stoffel

Speaking of keeping the Giants ugly…. holy shit this guy is one ugly MF-er. I LOVE him. He was drafted as a closer and has been doing a pretty good job of it as he had 25 saves after he got the bump to single A San Jose last year. 

But honestly Jason…. let’s keep your mustache alive, there are already too many goatees in the majors. 

ya that’s better. 

2. Marc Kroon

So many reason to like this guy, he throws 162 km per hour…. for you non Japanese league people, that is about 101 mph. Which is still impressive even after you take into consideration that us americans have bigger balls (no seriously we do).

Also I have a slight obsession with NPB after reading several good books on the league and how they treat Gajin. 

For one he already played for the Giants and has won a championship with them…. albeit the Yomiuri Giants. 

He seems to be a, Celebrities-visiting-Japan-Magnate.

Oh and he has the COOLEST WEBSITE EVER (RE: crazy, retardedest)

Yinz Growing a Mustache?

Giants slip past the Pirates 6 to 5

Screenshot of the game

Ronnie Cedeno with the best eye-black mustache I’ve ever seen.

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I should probably explain the word “Yinz” to all of you in the “Yay” Area…… There are a lot of Pittsburg transplants out here in the NYC. I have gotten to know a few of them….. Well turns out they have their own language over there in Pittsburg. When I found that out…. my inner Linguist was severely intrigued. Anyways check it out if you have any interest in such things. 

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Ok…. back to baseball. 

4 out of 5 Neukoms……

This would have been a perfect 5 out of 5 if it hadn’t been for Wilson’s blown save. 

- There were pretty amazing defensive plays going on all game. But most of which I missed because I was on the radio side the first 4 innings. 

- 7 walks taken

- 4 Sac flies (tying a record for SF)

- 5 stolen bases including 2 by the tin man himself

- a pretty fundamental game all around
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The Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski award (Hero) goes to Freddie Sanchez…. it is more of a cumulative award for the series, but this guy has been hotter than two knives left on your stove.

The Jeffrey Lebowski award (villain) goes to Garrett Jones for owning Lincecum, yet continuing to stink up my fantasy league. 
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Extras: (stach gallery)

There were too many staches to even start to count on the Pirates. 

We are going to try and count them anyways…. this is #3

Does this one even count?!?  #4

uuuuuuuuuuum ya….. that stache counts.

Jeff Clement going with the french upper lip sweater porn stache….. nice!

D.J. Carrasco going Double-slump-buster with the amazing sani’s and the stache. If your playing the Pirate Mustache drinking game at home you are 5 beers deep.

ohhh man I forgot about this fiasco…. maybe I should take another neukom off. 

Huff….. padding those stats with another steal.

More Mustaches in MLB! Inaugural Post

This meeting of MMM will now come to order. 

Our first order of business is promoting Jason Stoffel DIRECTLY to the Giants Bullpen. 

Our recent 4th round draft pick out of AU, recently traded up from a disgusting chin flap to a beautiful new upper-lip sweater. 

Here is new startling visual evidence of this upward movement in facial hair society courtesy of the best spring training blog AZGIANTS 

Photo: Joseph Pun