NOT a season preview
Nothing like a Will Clark Mustache to start the year off right.
This year, instead of trying to make predictions, I will just tell you what I would like to see happen.
Players that I am unabashedly rooting for.
#1. Snap, Crackle and Pop
Otherwise know as the 5’10 (and under) crew.
Freddy Sanchez (“snap”… as in snap goes his fragile limbs…).
Andres Torres (“Crackle”….not sure why yet)
Mike Fontenot (“pop”…. because for he can hit monster home runs).
They’re all “little” men, who in my opinion will have a huge say in the Giants ability to repeat. A full year of Freddy Sanchez’s defense would almost make up for the “36” year old glove playing SS. Andres Torres will again be the spark plug… (ohh ya spark plugs go “crackle” right?) for the offense. And most of all Fontenot will provide a surprising amount of pop off the bench this year, and will be an upgrade on defense when Tejada eventually goes down.
#2. Big John
This is of course taking Matt and Tim for granted. I want Jonathan Sanchez to DESTROY EVERYTHING! Like scorched earth destroy. Big Johnny Hammersticks walking through a ghost town with guns blazing……….. I don’t know what the hell I’m saying. I just want Big John to do well this year……. He’s just such a tragic character. His emotions are a little out of check, he runs his mouth a bit, he is that little brother you had, who would follow around everywhere tapping you on the shoulder, getting angry when you wouldn’t look, and when you finally paid attention to him, he was asleep face down in the middle of your carpeted living room. But he’s also that little brother that you rooted for, and rooted for, then one day he just stopped crying about shit and was WAY better than you at everything. Come one Big John, let’s do this.
#3. Sergio Romo
I can’t tell you why, I can only tell you that I have had a bad feeling about Sergio Romo for a loooong time. I have been worried about him since June 26, 2008. He was making his debut in Cleveland. His family (Dodger fans) where there to cheer him on. He struck two batters out with that wicked frisbee slider of his. Of course we have to frame this with….. It’s 2008, Giants fans have endured a bullpen consisting of Brad Hennessy, Vinnie Chulk, Osiris Matos, Erick Threets, Tyler Walker, and especially Geno Espineli. So the sight of ANOTHER light tossing trickster was an unwelcome one for me. But somehow……. unlike everyone else on that list, in fact unlike all 20 pitchers except Tim, Matt, Wilson, John and Zito, he made it. Sergio wandered through the desert, ran the marathon, swam to shore from the sunken ship that was the 2008 Giants and planted his flag in the bullpen. But for some reason I still worry about him. He seems like a guy who I’d like to get some burritos and watch a bad movie with. And for the record….. Sergio’s beard looks better.
5 Transactions I want to see. (but won’t happen)
1. Mota (never to be trusted ex-dodger) to the minors, Steve Edlefson (ground ball machine and apparently straight-up brawler) up to the bullpen.
2. Belt to the minors until he has no chance of leaving the Giants until 2018
3. Rowand to the minors, Darren Ford to the Majors to pinch run.
4. Ramon Ramirez to the minors, Kroon to the majors…. This one is just for my own entertainment. I just want to see Kroon throw in the bigs again.
5. Fontenot replaces Tejada at Shortstop. Ya… I’m calling it right here right now. Tejada is gonna bomb this year. (I hope I am wrong)
The New Velez (Feliz).
The candidates for Goat of the Year are….. Miguel Tejada, Barry Zito, Aaron Rowand, Cody Ross. (What!…. don’t get mad at me, I’m just naming off the players that are most likely to underperform this year. I like Ross….. I do)
The premature trophy goes to Aaron Rowand. In the proud tradition of Pedro Feliz, Armando Benitez and Eugenio Velez, Aaron Rowand will fail beyond our wildest imaginations. He will shoulder the burden, he will carry the yoke of all the Giants fan’s bitterest slander. He is the black hole of criticism his oversized head and funny stance will consume the worst vitriol that spews forth into all comment boxes of all the blogs. For that I thank him…. Thanks Rowand for being the team punching bag, we’ve needed one every year for a while now, cause let’s face it…. we are all kinda full of hate.
What we will see this year.
1. More fanboys at the ballpark (bleh)
2. More fangirls at the park (double bleh)
3. More of this tragedy. “Hey I’m Amy G. “Stuff… Stuff, Stuff, Stuff Stuff, Bleh and Stuff.”“
4. More of whatever the guy in the hat and the guy in the front of the picture with hair cancer.
5. More espn/old-man-timmy-hair-wearing douchebags
Basically, just be ready for more of everything. More people rubbing their legs up against your favorite team. We own the most popular poodle in the neighborhood and every broadcaster/columnist/fair-weather fan/blogger (yes I know..) wants to fuck it. Our asses will be sniffed all year, like a rotting bloated deer corpse on a sunny central valley freeway. Our fun ballpark traditions, cheers, culture will be co-opted by the giants douche conveyor belt that is sports media. Your twitter account will constantly scroll beard related re-tweets and lincecum pot smoking puns.
Constant vigilance my friends
